Catching Up To You
by Dunhamnator
Summary: After years you meet again and you finally recognize that weird feeling from your youth as love.  -  Show her what  we  could be like together.
1. It's All Coming Back To Me Now

Catching Up To You

**A/N:** This is my very first Victorious fanfic, so naturally it's my very first Jori fic too. Let me tell you, it's quite a big jump to go from Fringe, where I have to deal with Alternate Universes and weird sci-fi terms to Victorious, where I have to deal with kids and hormones. Look at me, talking like I'm thirty… Which I'm not.  
>Anyways. I hope you enjoy this very first chapter of <strong>Catching Up To You<strong>._  
>(I believe I should also state that I have no beta, so all mistakes are mine, :D)<em>

**Disclaimer: **I own the laptop on which I am typing this and I own the dreams in which I meet Miss. Victoria Justice and Miss. Elizabeth Gillies all the time. However, I do not own **Victorious** nor do I own the characters.

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><p><strong>It's All Coming Back To Me Now.<strong>

I remember that day in 2012 like it was yesterday; I wore the classic black hat and robe. My parents were in the audience, acting as if they were oh so proud. My friends laughed and joked and I even swallowed hard once when I realized this was the end. We would probably never see each other again, because I just wasn't like that. Life goes on and you can't cling to old friends forever. I hugged each and every one of them, taking not only them but also myself by surprise. But they deserved it. We performed together one last time, we toasted and then we each went different ways.

I am twenty-three now and it's been five years since that day. Sometimes, just sometimes, I look at our graduation picture and it all comes floating back. The familiar feeling of loving Beck, of being around Robbie and Andre, of feeling sympathetic towards Cat – you couldn't love or hate her, you did both – and that oh so familiar feeling of hating Tori Vega. Life was so simple back then, now that's all about to change.

August means sunshine! It's like this unwritten rule. June, July, August and a bit of September means sunshine. Not freaking pouring rain. This is so not how imagined my morning run to be like; hiding in the Starbucks because it's raining too hard to go out in a t-shirt and shorts. Who came up with this? I thought we were dealing with global warming? Shouldn't the sun be burning our skin the minute we step outside? Screw it, I am going to order one more cup of coffee and when I'm done and it's still raining, I am running home.

I get up and walk to the counter to order my seventh cup of coffee, I am gonna see all of night television tonight. I could just have taken decaf, you say? Yeah, I could've taken water too. I turn around, cup in hand, making my way back to my table and I bump into someone, spilling coffee all over my shirt. I'll be damned. I hear someone mumble sorry and jerk my head up, away from the stain on my t-shirt. My eyes pierce straight through chocolate-brown ones. A pair of eyes I have glared at many times, a pair I will never forget. Same thing goes for her.

"Jade?" I hear her say. Five years and her voice has gotten just slightly deeper, still this girly edge to it. And it takes me a while to realize that I still know what she sounded like.

"Vega." I acknowledge and she sighs at that as she smiles. She smiles. And it's all coming back to me. Whenever I would see her walk through the school hallways, sing on stage or play my role in a school play. What I was sure was hate back then, hits me again. Hits me in my stomach and my heart, causes me to swallow harder than usual and momentarily takes away my voice. And as my eyes widen, I realize I never hated her a day in my life. As I choke on my words, I know what this feeling is.

"Sooo, what have you been uh... up to?" It's love. Not the superficial type of love, the love that makes footballers date the cheerleaders. No, this, whatever _this_ is, is love. Real love. The type that goes beyond appearance and her cheekbones. The type of love that makes you love everything in a person, inside and out.

She smiles, offers to buy me another coffee and sits down at my table.

"Auditions." She simply states. It takes me a while to respond, because I can't take my mind of the bizarreness of the situation. _I love her_. I always have and it takes me just one look in her eyes to realize that. One look, five years later and I suddenly know. And part of me is shocked that I don't question it. Another part of me keeps reminding me exactly why I can't love her.

"Any luck with that?" She starts laughing, like I've only seen her do twice.

"No, not really. For some reason I keep getting cast as the stunt woman." We laugh simultaneously and I wonder if our hearts beat simultaneously too. _What the hell?_ Where did that come from? That was way too cheesy for words. My god, even Hugh Grant wouldn't say that. This is so wrong. So sudden.

"So what have you been up to?" She repeats my words.

"My parents died three years ago, I inherited the family fortune and the care-taking of my grandmother. She died three weeks, so I guess I am only starting to live just now." I fake nonchalance – something I have never failed at – about my grandmother, taking care of someone for three years makes you care. I can't really mourn my parents. If it wouldn't be for the monthly family dinners, I wouldn't even know what they looked like. I don't even remember what they sound like. Sometimes I say my name out loud – _Jadelyn_ – so that maybe, just maybe, I can hear my mother say it in that disapproving tone of hers. But all I hear is silence and the sound of my own disgust.

"Jade, I'm so sorry." Ever the polite girl.

"Don't be. I live in the here and now. What happened yesterday doesn't matter." I see her eyes light up with realization. Yes, Jade West changed in the last five years. Life and death does that to you. Okay, I need to get my mind on something else. Her hair is beautiful, it's all... No! Not on Tori Vega!

"How's your love life going?" What a stupid question. Why is that always the first thing, besides the weather, people talk about?

"Not too well. I just came out of a pretty heavy relationship."

"Heavy how?" I'm truly interested as I take a sip from my coffee. Truly interested in the life of Tori Vega.

"Well, it was the first time with another girl for us both, so..." I am currently choking on my coffee. Did she just say _another girl_? As in, Tori with a girl? As in, Tori being gay?

"Jade, are you alright?" She immediately stands up, ready to come by my side and pat my back. I cough two times and wave my hand at her.

"I'm fine." I cough again and as she sits down I regain my breath.

"Too much coffee in one swallow. What were you saying?" I wipe the tears from my eyes. Holy shit, that hurts. Mental note to myself: do not die due to choking.

"Well, we both had never been with a girl before, so everything was a first for both of us and then when you break up, it's just that more difficult." I nod, as if I completely understand her. But I don't, because I am not gay, or maybe I am, because apparently I love her. And is it just me or is she totally open about it? Did I miss some important conversation at lunch, back at Hollywood Arts?

"You can say whatever you're thinking, I've heard it all before." I look at her quizzically, where did that suddenly come from? How long have I been silent for her to say that?

"About my sudden change of heart." Is that hurt I see in her eyes?

"No, no, that wasn't what I was thinking at all. I just never thought you would be, you know..." I gesture something with my hands. How the hell is she supposed to understand what that means when I don't even understand what that means.

"Yeah, neither did I, yet here I am." Oh, she understands. Or are we talking about something completely different now? If we're not, then at least I didn't miss an important conversation. Geez, why am I thinking a million things at a time? I always praised myself for having an organized brain, it's what allowed me to have quick, witty remarks in high school, no trace of that right now.

"But I guess I've always kinda known. You know, little things." We're still talking about the same thing. Good, now what do I say?

"And it didn't scare you?" Why would I ask that? Am I implying to myself that I am scared to love her? God, being 16 and hating her was so much easier. Being cynic Jade West in every scenario was easier. I kind of miss that time, when I hated everything and no one spoke to me or cared.

"Not really. But enough about me. How's your love life going?"

"I haven't really had much time for a love life." She nods before she continues.

"When did you and Beck break up?" Here comes reminiscing.

"Two months after graduation, when he moved back to Canada to go to college."

"Do you still see him? Or anyone from Hollywood Arts?"

"Nope, you're the first I run into. Literally." We laugh again and I look outside, then to my watch. Damn, almost 1 P.M.

"I should get going, I still need to clean up my house and do the laundry." I hate doing the laundry and I hate that word, some things never change. She nods and we both get up. I extend my arm to give her a hand and say goodbye, but she wiggles her eyebrows as she extends both her arms. Here goes.

"C'mon, give Tori a squeeze. You know you want to." Hell yes, I want to, even if she's just repeating six year old words. So neither of us ever forgot that. I move closer and with a smile I hug her. Six years ago it took some pursuing from her – and Beck's – side, now here I am, willingly hugging her, knowing I will probably never do that again. I step back to look at her smiling face one last time and suddenly I am very grateful for the pouring rain that's ruining my August day. Maybe the cold will keep my mind off of Tori, and my new found feelings. I nod and then I step into the rain, looking up and left and then I start my run heading right. I will probably catch an awesome cold in the midst of August, but who cares? World's upside down already. Here I am, bumping into Tori Vega, on a rainy August day, realizing I love her. What's next? UFO's?

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><p>I can't catch sleep, it's 3 A.M. and I am still wide awake. I can't blame the coffee, 'cause I know it isn't the coffee. Whenever I close my eyes I am back in the hallways of Hollywood Arts, watching as Tori Vega makes her way to her locker. She'd made me break my favorite pair of scissors when she wore a mini-skirt to school one day. And there I was, thinking I hated her because that mini-skirt made Beck stare. Yeah right, what a joke. If you'd put me in that hallway again tomorrow, I'd recognize that feeling. And I bet I did back then, I just didn't want to admit it. Shit! Talking about tomorrow, I have to go to work tomorrow. Damn it! Who decided a meeting at 8 would do? Not me! As I toss and turn I force my mind onto something else and then I finally feel myself fall asleep.<br>Five minutes later I hear my alarm-clock beeping me awake. Stupid thing is broken. Again! As I toss the sheets away daylight blinds my eyes and I realize five minutes are four hours. Yay.

"Ah, Jade, nice of you to join us." I hear an all too familiar voice say as I push open the glass door to the boarding room. What a stupid name. What is this? An airport? Just because the people meeting are called 'the board' doesn't mean the room should be called 'the boarding room'. If the person who came up with that wasn't already dead, I'd threaten him. And that person being my father has nothing to do with it.

"Yeah, whatever, Kent. I pay you, I can afford to get late." I walk past Kevin and gently pat him on the shoulders; it raises a few smiles. My jokes grew from witty to considerately funny.

"Continue." I wave my hand at the members of the board – _blegh_ – when I'm all settled. Here comes the most boring hour of my life. Meetings, one of the many things I strongly dislike, I wouldn't say hate, at being the owner of Hollywood's biggest production company: Wild West Entertainment. Established in 1989 by Mr. Thomas Lee West. My father.

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><p><strong>Reviews are greatly appreciated. I would like to know what you liked and what you didn't, what you want to see and what you don't. <strong>

**C'mon, give me an good ol' review, you know you want to.**


	2. Can't Help Falling In Love

**A/N: **First of all, thank you all for liking, alerting and reviewing.  
>Blackguard: I am aware it might come over as sudden. What I was going for was Jade realizing she was in love with Tori all along. However, I did try to explain it <em>a little<em> further in this chapter, ;)  
>Also, this is a rather short chapter, but believe me, they'll be longer after this.<p>

**Disclaimer** on chapter 1.

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><p><strong>Can't Help Falling In Love.<strong>

One hour of my life wasted. At least now I'm happily seated in my office. After three years that still sounds weird. _My office_. _Office. L'office._ Nah, it just doesn't work. The door opens and my CEO, Kent Shaw, walks in.

"Jade, I hope you didn't forget the last auditions of Walking Past, this afternoon?" Kent is fifteen years older than me, though you wouldn't give him 37, and he's been working for this company since I was born. He started out as the kid who brought around the paperwork, but fifteen years later he is the CEO. I have known him all my life and if one man is sure of his job, it's Kent - you call that unfair, I call it loyalty. A trade that's hard to find in this business, so I've learned. He's also the only one around WWE who gets to disagree with me.

"No, I didn't forget." But hell, I ain't going.

"You must be there, Jade. As executive producer you ought to be there." I sigh. If there's one thing I hate it's wannabe actors reading for lead roles. And I'd still rather be in the reading position myself. I didn't go to a school where they taught me to become an actress to end up as an executive producer. Yeah, maybe when I'm 60.

"I will be there." I sigh again, this time in defeat.

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><p>So scratch meetings as the most boring hours of my life. This, watching people do auditions, is soul-killing. Any minute now and I'll start drooling 'cause my brain shut out on me and I can't function properly anymore.<p>

"Okay, the last one. Tori Vega."

"Who?" I immediately sit up. Is hallucinating common with brain-failure? Probably, because of the lack of oxygen.

"Tori Vega." Kent is looking at me, confusion written all over his face. He opens his mouth to ask me a question, but slowly closes it as I wave my hand. I'm not hallucinating, that's verified. Okay, so Tori is coming to audition for the lead role in a movie I will be producing. The fact that I wrote it has nothing to do with any of the things I am currently feeling. What am I actually feeling? No matter how deep I dig, I can't find it. Where it comes from, what it means. Why now? Why not five years ago? Why not ever? It takes me one look in her eyes and I know? That only happens movies, believe me, I know. It's completely ridiculous. I'm probably seeing too much in this. I didn't expect to walk into her, but I did and I was just surprised. That's all this is. I am surprised.  
>The door opens and I snap my head up, looking straight into her eyes. Whoa, déjà-vu. She looks extremely surprised at first, then Kent takes the word and she focuses completely on him and then on the part. Proving to be the amazing actress I never acknowledged she was. She knows the dialogue by heart - she didn't even bring her script - and plays the part like it was written for her. Which it wasn't, before anyone begins. The fact that there are some similarities between Tori Vega and the character of Katherine are purely coincidence. <em>Right?<em> As she speaks the last words – _I am sure that we did all the great things you say we did. But... I am not that woman anymore. I'm sorry._ – a smile forms on my face. As I turn to look at Kent I see that same smile, well, more of a smirk in his case. Yup. This is our Katherine. And that's exactly what Kent tells her. I say nothing, I just look at her, smiling and clapping. Jade style. Bird-scene style.

"Jade, hold up." I hear a voice behind me call out to me and if it wouldn't have been hers I'd keep on walking. Mentally I am scolding myself – old Jade would never have stopped walking. She'd let Tori run after her. I turn around, briefly smiling at her. _Why did I do that? I don't normally do that._

"What are you doing here?" She asks.

"Well... See, I kinda, maybe..., you know, like _own_ Wild West Entertainment." Her face is one of confusion, followed by realization, that settles onto amazement.

"Come with me." I say, as I extend my arm, motioning for her to follow me. "I'll explain in my office." There's an 'Oeh' coming from her that makes us both laugh as we walk the corridor to my office. I sit her down on the black sofa and explain the situation to her. Then ten minutes later she is leaving again, because she promised Trina to have lunch with her.

"Hey, Tori." I stop her, right before she's about to open the door. She turns around, a look of expectation on her face I can't really place. It kind of freaks me out, as if she's expecting... too much from me.

"I may never have said this before, or said otherwise, but you are an amazing actress." I think she expected me to still be the same old Jade West, who never said anything nice to her. If I wouldn't have known better, I'd think she was about to cry. She slightly nods her head, mouths a 'thank you' and then quickly leaves.  
>And I just can't believe that a day ago I hugged her goodbye, thinking it would take another five years to run into her again, and tomorrow she will be back in this office to sign papers that'll have her coming back for the next three months. And frankly, I can't wait. I can't wait to see her again, yet my heart twists in my chest as I picture the look she gave me just minutes ago. And I don't know why it does that. I don't know why I am feeling happy and sad and confused and maybe a little bit angry all at the same time. It's as if my heart and brain have completed disconnected in the course of two days.<p>

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><p><strong>You know what to do. Review the Review Button. <strong>


	3. Can't Fight This Feeling

**A/N: **I must say this is my favorite chapter. Writing this was an absolute blast. Once again, thank you for the reviews and faves and alerts. Enjoy, :D

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><p><strong>Can't Fight This Feeling.<strong>

So the next morning I arrive perfectly on time. Hell, I am even smiling today. And because it's still early and I'm still in a good mood, I am just gonna say it. Yes. I am happy because I will see Tori again today. Yes, I lay awake all night again, but I thought and I questioned and I questioned my thinking. And I think that I shouldn't deny it, I think I'm in love with her. And that has been enough admitting for the week.

"Jade. Jade." Oh great, I am not even in for five minutes or there's a problem. I hate panting people in my office, I especially hate a panting Kent in my office because that either means there's a snowstorm hitting Los Angeles – which I think is quite impossible – or something's wrong with my production.

"Kent, really? Bad news already?" I groan as I sit down.

"Yeah, well, it's not my fault. The guy who would do the music for Walking Past?" I nod. "He's got a call from Beyoncé. She wants him to do the music for her last album." I bang my head on the desk. Stupid Beyoncé and her stupid last album.

"But that guy is the best!"

"Yeah, that's why Beyoncé wants him." I sigh, fold my hands together and let my chin rest on them.

"I'll figure something out before the end of the day. Now go before I start throwing things around." He briefly smiles and then leaves. Great. So now I have to find someone who's willing to do the music for a movie that begins production next week. Nowadays everyone wants to get the call at least one month prior, where I am gonna find someone who's willing to start right away? Someone with experience. The door to my office opens again and I swear if it's Kent I am going to throw things around. I am going to throw things out my window and I don't even care we're on the 23rd floor and there's a busy road right in front of me – or behind me, depends on where you stand. I turn my chair around and there's the reason why I haven't been sleeping for two nights.

"Vega, you're early?" It is really more a question than a statement.

"I know." And that's as far as her explanation goes. Good one.

"Okay? Sit down." I am not quite sure what to say or do, because when I say she's early, I mean she's _four_ hours early. That's not normal early. And why I am even thinking about that, I have much bigger issues going on.

"You look so tense, what's up?" Oh right, five minutes and I completely forgot she is here too.

"Nah, nothing. It's just that the guy who was gonna do our music has another job now. And now we're without a guy."

"For the music?" I nod, slamming my head on the table again.

"I might know a guy." I instantly look up, a little too fast because I am seeing stars in a sea of black.

"_You_ know a guy?" She nods proudly, Tori Vega trademark smile on her face.

"A guy I'm sure is willing to do you a favor."

"How can you possibly know a guy that's willing to do _me_ a favor?" Yes, I realize my voice is skeptic. No, I don't care.

"C'mon, Jade. A music guy that's willing to do you a favor. No one ring a bell?" I shake my head.

"Our good friend Andre Harris?" My eyes light up at the saying of his first name. I totally forgot about him.

"You have his phone number? Could you call him?" I add after she nods to the first question.

"Sure. But I want something in return." Is that a smirk I see? No, is that a sneaky grin I see? Has Tori Vega become a sneaky girl?

"No, Vega, I am not going to hug you again." She laughs.

"I want something bigger than that." She's got this all planned. I bet she even called my music guy. I dread what's coming next, nevertheless I am curious as to see what she could possibly want from me. What, besides a hug, I could offer her. I have money, I could offer her money.

"Tell me." I give in, curiosity and the need for a guy getting the better of me.

"I want to have dinner with you." Oh, wait, hold on, need to pick my jaw up from the first floor. What's that she said? _Dinner?_ Why would she want to have dinner with me?

"You want to have dinner with me?" She nods. That's all, she nods. She's not bursting into laughter, she's just nodding. She's asking, or rather sort of, in a way, demanding to have dinner with me. _With me._ And she's serious.

"Fine. Yeah, sure, I'll have dinner with you." She smiles as she grabs her phone to, I presume, call Andre. I bet she's thinking something like '_I'm Victorious! _' now. And even though I was done admitting for the week, I have to admit that I am actually looking forward to having dinner with her. Because, no matter how you twist or turn it, and now we're at the admitting anyways, I think I love this woman sitting in front of me. Just really love her. With her cheekbones and her cheeriness and that little 'I'm Victorious' slogan of hers. I love it all. And frankly, how crazy as this may sound, how much as this may freak me out, right now there's nothing I want to do more than kiss her lips and hold her in my arms. I have never thought of her like that. Never thought of a woman like that. But then again, Tori Vega's not just a woman. She's the woman that made me break my favorite pair of scissors over a mini-skirt. She's the woman that wouldn't take no for an answer as far as our friendship was concerned. Little things. And somewhere inside they frustrate the hell out of me.

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><p><em>The<em> most annoying thing is when you're having dinner with someone and there's this question on your mind you just can't verbalize. So you talk about things you've already talked about, you dig deep in your mind and try to tell some interesting something and you just wish that you didn't have to be so damn stubborn and used to saying whatever's on your mind. So here I am, watching as Tori places her fork and knife besides her now empty plate, watching as she grabs the napkin and deftly, patiently, wipes the corner of her mouth – I need handcuffs to stop myself from placing my thumb on that corner to wipe at a spot she missed – and then she looks at me intently. She holds my gaze for a moment as if she's trying to read my mind. Yeah, I just seriously asked her why of all people she's having dinner with me. But in all honesty, that's a pretty normal question, right? I mean, yeah, I have been seeing too much into it, but I'm sure there's a very logical explanation, so why did she tense up when I asked her?

"Why can't I have dinner with you?" _Yes, Jade, why can't she?_

"C'mon Tori." I plead with her to give me a real answer, but she just shrugs her shoulders. Looks like I'm not getting an answer until she gets one.

"I made your time at Hollywood Arts as miserable as I could, I am very well aware of that. Of all things, you should hate me right now, not have friendly conversations over dinner." Sometimes I really wish she hates me, because that would make what I'm feeling right now a lot easier.

"Yet, I do not hate you. What happened is in the past. Why won't you let me be your friend?" I have no answer to that question. And even if I had, I don't think I would able to tell her; she speaks again as soon as her question ends.

"For as long as I have known you, you've been pushing me away. Whenever I got close, whenever I tried to be your friend, you would just throw me a nasty comment and run off. But we were sixteen, seventeen then. We're twenty-three now. I am not hitting on your boyfriend and I'm not taking your role in school plays. I just want to be your friend, I just want you to let me in." Damn, she thought this through. I knew I shouldn't have asked her that question. I should have known I would get an answer like this. I shouldn't be so surprised right now. Especially because I don't even know why I am surprised. Because she answered so fierce, so genuine? Or because she wants to be my friend, wants to know _me_, wants to be let in? A part of me really wants to let her in, but won't, because I have learned that when you let people come close they hurt you. Especially when you like them. Hell, I'm not even supposed to like her the way I do. And she is not supposed to like me, because I know that in this scenario, if I let her in, it won't be her hurting me. It will be me hurting her. I can see it in her eyes, she has great expectations of me. Expectations I can't live up to.

And then there's another part of me. That part I have been suppressing since _the mini-skirt_ – man, that thing seems to be hunting me. The part that doesn't want her as a friend, because deep inside I want more than that. The part that watches too much romantic movies; the part that's looking for the key to my heart only to find she's holding it. Does she know? When she looks down at her hands, does she know where that key leads to, what it opens? Or does she shrug and throw it away, considering it useless. I don't know what to think anymore, what to answer anymore. It's just, it's getting too much. Never has anything become _too much_ for me. There was always a way out, but not this time.

I can run away, shut her off again and in doing so throw away the second chance I apparently got. Or I can stay, let her in and in doing so risk that one day I will throw it all away again because I can never get rid of these feelings.

"Jade?" I feel soft fingertips brush the back of my hand and I involuntarily shudder. I feel goosebumps settle all over my body and I realize. No matter how fast or how far I'll run, she's already in too deep. All I can do now is take the plunge; fall and hope she'll be there to catch me. All I can do now is let go of all I have ever believed in, voluntarily let my walls down and show her around. It's all I can do, but I don't. I can't. As much as I have changed, some things always stay the same. And I, Jade West, do not let my walls down, I, Jade West, do not let people in. And especially not Tori Vega.

"I'm sorry." I stand up, looking down at her. I can practically see her heart break in her eyes and it makes me doubt. It makes me doubt briefly, because as soon as I close my eyes I turn around and walk away.

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><p><strong>Please let me know what you think, its more important to me now than ever.<strong>


	4. What Hurts The Most

**A/N: **First of all, sorry for the wait! I will make it up to you.  
>Secondly, I will not say I hate this chapter, because that's a little drastic, but I don't really like it. It made me realize that I rock at writing Jade. :P<br>Anyway, it needed to be done, in my opinion, so here it is.

Also, a big thank you to everyone who favourited, alerted and reviewed. It makes my day! :D Really, thank you!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, you know. But I also do not own the lyrics listed below, ;) Though you should check out the song, "What Hurts The Most" and the band; Rascal Flatts.**

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><p><strong>What Hurts The Most.<strong>

**Tori POV**

"I'm sorry." And she's gone. And I'm sitting here, overthinking things as usual. _What did I say? What did I do? _I know very well what I said, but I didn't know it would upset her so much. I didn't know it would cause her to retreat in her head – her inner monologue was evident in her eyes – and leave. Then again, when I ran into her three days ago I didn't expect her to sit down and talk to me. When I did audition two days ago I didn't expect her to be there or compliment me. When I got up yesterday I didn't expect myself to head straight towards her office. I was supposed to be there, but not four hours early. I certainly didn't expect myself to ask her out to dinner. I don't know why I did the things I did. Now, or six years ago. I just don't know. Maybe if I hadn't been so hard on myself in the past, if I had just let Jade hate me, I wouldn't be so hurt by this. But I couldn't take her hating me. Not because I always want everyone to like me, but because it was Jade. To gain her acceptance was like a quest, an adventure. If you would take nine steps east instead of ten, you'd never reach her. If you would take eleven, she'd just walk by you. She didn't care and that made me care. Finally someone didn't instantly like me - or my cheekbones - finally someone made me work for it. And damn did it hurt in the beginning. But in the end it was just like a game. A game that suddenly stopped with graduation. A game I – or maybe _we_ – never got to finish. And now five years later we're doing what? We're certainly not playing the same game, but it isn't a prequel _or_ a sequel. It's a new game entirely. New rules, new characters. New storyline. And most importantly a new Jade. In a way. She's softer, nicer, but she still has this sharp edge to her.

I don't know what to do with her, but maybe that's not the most important thing right now. Maybe I should first figure out exactly why I am feeling rejected. Like she just walked out on me in the middle of a date. _This wasn't a date._ This was just friendly dinner, I had no ulterior motives when I asked her. Damn, I'm confused. I feel like a sixteen year old with raging hormones all over again.

I thought I was over this. I thought I had put this stupid crush behind me. This stupid crush that made me question myself every wake moment. I got over it after graduation. Okay, granted, in a way I stuck with it, but it's not just for Jade anymore. Ah, to hell with it! Did I seriously really think I was over it? I have never, ever again felt the way I felt when I would see Jade. What made me think I don't still feel the same? What makes me think that feeling in my stomach when she laughs comes from something outside my heart? What in the name of Sikowitz makes me think she would, or even _could_, ever love me back.

And it's not even my fault! I didn't purposely walk into her that day. Someone, somewhere that goes beyond me, is playing a sick game with my life.

* * *

><p>All I really need right now, besides crashing down on my bed, is someone who understands. Someone who won't judge, won't even answer or react; someone who will let me talk while they listen. So when my doorbell rings twice, I don't bother to get off my bed and open the door; I know that in less than a minute I will be joined by the one person who will cross land and sea for those who need her: Cat Valentine. Bipolar as can be, shouting things that have absolutely no value whatsoever, but gifted with a pair of ears that can listen for hours. There's a reason I've always kept in touch with her - and not only because those invaluable comments never fail to cheer me up. There's a reason I gave her a key to my apartment - and not only because she immensely enjoys sleepovers.<p>

She doesn't say a word as she sits down besides me, she doesn't say a word as a tear travels down my cheek. A tear I can't explain. And as my body starts to shake, she wraps her arms around me, holding me tight, as we fall back on the bed. My mask breaking, my tears streaming.

She must wonder what the hell I got myself into, but she says nothing until I do. Until my crying stops, my body relaxes and my breathing is almost even.

"Tori?" Her soft voice pierces the silence as her hand touches my still wet cheek, she must've thought I had fallen asleep.

"It hurts, Cat."

"I know." She's so understanding, so calm. She doesn't even know why I am crying, why I am acting like this, but she'll say whatever is right. Whatever is needed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She won't force me into anything. If I say no, all she will do is nod and lay here with me. Never to speak of it again. All I have to say is no.

"It's so unfair." I begin to sob again, mumbling words I don't want to say. But I can't help it; something makes me talk. Maybe it's Cat's arms around me that makes me feel safe and understood, maybe it's six years of lying and denying finally breaking free, maybe I just want to talk. But what is there to say? What words do I use, which sentences do I say? How do I explain that I am crying over the woman who was once her best friend?

"I know you did audition for her movie." I don't understand. I simply don't. It still amazes me when Cat seems to know what's wrong without me saying a word. She's done it before, and she's doing it again. I didn't say anything and she seems to know why I'm crying.

"I didn't even know it was her movie." I begin to calm down again, regaining my breath. Maybe one day I'll ask her how she knows, I just don't feel like it right now.

"But that is not why you are crying." It isn't. Because the audition went amazing, she even complimented me afterwards. Maybe, because of that compliment, I got my hopes up. Maybe, because of that compliment, I thought there was more.

I was pretty naïve, if I say so myself. Even though I kept my pokerface during dinner, those butterflies were ever present. To think I could make it through... Something was meant to go wrong. I just didn't expect her to be the one to walk, maybe that is why this hurts.

"You should tell her." Cat sighs – though I don't know why. I look up at her, confused for many reasons.

"I didn't say anything!" I protest. I didn't say anything. What's Cat talking about?

"Tori, I can see it in your eyes. Like that time my brother's eyes were all red and I just saw something was wrong! I can see it now."

"What was wrong with your brother?"

"A fly flew in his eye." She says in her bubbly voice and it makes me smile. Leave it up to Cat to talk about a conflicted heart and a hurt eye in one sentence.

"Cat, I can't do that. I can't tell her. I am overreacting anyways." I slowly get up, wiping my eyes, drying my cheeks. I guess I just needed a good cry. And I got one.

"You can't hide what you feel. If I can see it, then she will too." She looks at me, her eyes completely serious, a shade darker than usual. _Please let there be a useless comment to lighten the mood._ But there's no comment, there's just me and a completely different Cat. And I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't changed in five years. I feel like this conversation doesn't make any sense anymore, because she knows everything before I talk. And she's right. Jade will see, she will notice. She's not as naïve as I am. She'll push me away further than ever before. And why? Because I can't forget how I feel? Because my heart has a mind of its own?

Maybe if I did hate her this would be so much easier.

_**"What hurts the most,  
>Was being so close.<br>And having so much to say,  
>And watching you walk away.<br>And never knowing,  
>What could've been.<br>And not seeing that loving you,  
>Is what I was trying to do."<strong>_


	5. All That I'm Asking For

**All That I'm Asking For.**

**Jade POV**

Three days. That's how long I've been laying in my bed. I barely eat, barely move. I don't know why this is affecting me so much. I was the one to walk away, right?

I couldn't sleep that night – or any other, for that matter. That broken expression, the hurt and confusion. I kept seeing her face right in front of me. I wanted to reach out, hold her, comfort her. But that wasn't – isn't – my place, because I am the reason she's broken, hurt and confused.

I am so freaking conflicted right now! I want to run straight to her, confess everything and hold her. But that is exactly the thing I can't and won't do. And for what? Because I'm so desperately holding on to old morals? I hate those morals. They are not even mine, they are my parents.  
>Argh! Why do I keep doing this? I ran. I walked away. I kept pushing her back every time she just tried to be my friend. She did so much for me and I gave nothing. She gave me all she had and I took it. Abusing it. Her charity that I said I didn't need, yet longed to have. A friend who would unconditionally accept me for who I was. Not someone like Cat, who wouldn't care who or how, or what I was – she would like me anyway, 'cause that's what she does. Not someone like Beck, who was – and is – the best friend and boyfriend anyone can ever wish for. Too perfect, too sweet. And maybe because of that too innocent to load all your dark secrets on, because he seemed to have none. No, someone like Tori. Someone like her is someone I deeply needed back then. And I could have her. All of her. But that would be giving in, letting my problems win and get the better of me. No, you had to stay on top of them, where you were safe because you couldn't see them unless you looked down in defeat. Tori wasn't a problem though, she was a solution. My way out. Yet, I kept pushing her back, throwing her down and making her really small so she would fit in with the rest of my problems. Because that's what you do; stay on top of them.<br>That's what I did. What my mother would do, what my father would do.

I believe everyone has a person in their life that changes them – whether this change comes during puberty or a mid-life crisis. Someone that inspires them to move on and become someone better. Every outsider, everyone that doesn't know me, would say that for me it was my dying grandmother. And honestly, I would love to say that. But then I'd be lying. Because she wasn't any better than my mother. During my grandmother's deathbed I learned that she was just like my mother, or rather, my mother was just like her. I guess that's why my mother was who she was. Maybe she didn't want to be like that, but she didn't know any other way. So she stuck with morals that weren't her own, lived by them and eventually made them her own. Even though I mourn my grandmother more than my parents – for the simple reason that, on occasion, she actually taught me some things – it's not because she was the loving old woman that taught me the most important thing: to be who I pleased to be. And somehow, it's because she represented myself. Everything I was, everything I used to be. The old Jade West, who was just like my mother – and sometimes still is – clinging onto morals that aren't even her own. The Jade West I knew so well died along with my grandmother, because I was sane enough, maybe _brave_ enough, to leave the façade behind me. Throw the white towel in the ring, close the curtains. I was sane enough to see that I am not that girl who hates everything and everyone. I was brave enough to start over.  
>If I would name anyone who helped me become someone better I'd say it was me, no matter how egoistic that may sound. <em>I<em> threw away the mask, _I_ decided on a clean start... When I was twenty-years old. Exactly four years after I realized I didn't want to be _that_ Jade West anymore. And there's only one person I should thank for that.

Tori Vega.

And I was doing just fine. I was nice to people, I smiled, I enjoyed and I occasionally hated on everything and everyone around me. I made my own rules, my own morals and I lived by them. _I was doing just fine._ And then Tori came along. It was like a junkie who just got out of rehab, clean, ready to start fresh. And he was doing great until something happened and he fell again. Down into that black hole that once ruined his life. Morals I almost forgot about came rushing back to me. Making her a problem again. A problem she never was.

And here I am. Wondering how the hell I am going to fix this. Pick up the pieces and glue that statue back together. Easier said than done. It's like a puzzle; little pieces of problems. Hundreds, thousands of them. Little pieces of problems that, when assembled correctly, form a solution. You have to pick them all up, one by one, put the glue on them and find the piece that matches. And then find the piece that matches with that one. After all, all your problems are inevitably related, you just don't see it at first.

But I shattered my statue into a million pieces I guess. Impossible to assemble. Impossible to...

"What the hell?" I avert my eyes from their spot on the ceiling, my thoughts interrupted by the sound of a doorbell. I am fighting with myself; should I get up and open the door or should I stay in the bed that I am sure will show a silhouette of me when I get up. The doorbell rings again. Persistent visitor is persistent. And that makes it oh, so tempting to stay put and count in my head how long it takes for them to leave. But on the other hand, I don't deal well with curiosity. I want to open that door, because I will forever ask myself who my visitor was if I don't go. I will forever ask myself what would've happened if I had opened the door. Of course, when I do open it, I will forever wonder what would've happened if I hadn't opened it. But if there's one thing I learned, one moral that is completely mine, it's that I rather regret the things I did over the things I didn't.  
>And even before I finish that thought, I'm at my door, bell ringing for the third time. I take a deep breath, unconsciously preparing myself for whatever is to come. Here goes nothing.<p>

After I unlock it, I push down the handle and pull the door towards me. And there in my hall stands someone I regret not staying in touch with the most. But she is exactly as I remember her and exactly as I knew she'd be. Twenty-three, but never too old for bright, red hair. I fight the urge to smile, because the disapproving look on her face tells me that someone else did keep in touch with her. It tells me that I am going to hear exactly how much I hurt Tori Vega.

I am a criminal about to hear my crimes, about to be charged guilty and Cat is the Judge.

Wordlessly I let her in. I once was her best friend, I knew she considered me close enough to call me that and she knew I returned the favor. However, there was a mutual, unspoken, agreement that neither of us would ever admit how much I cared about her. How much I told her, how well she knew me. How well I knew her.

Believe me, Cat is smarter than you'd give her credit for. She could pass university without an effort. If she wanted to. Cat has always enjoyed life to a degree most people don't understand. She sees everything from a positive perspective. In public you will never see her break down, you will never see her show any other emotion than pure contentment. And when you do, when she is upset, it will be about something insignificant, lasting not longer than ten minutes, before returning to that bubbly state of mind. But when need be, she can be dead serious. It has scared me in the past, and the way she sits on my couch, looking at me... It still scares me now. I breath in and she slowly shakes her head, closing her eyes.

"I don't think you realize what you did." When she is like this, all serious and, well, _real_, her voice is much deeper. As if it has been used for decades, centuries, preaching with wisdom.

"Well, do you?" Her voice is firm, slightly raised. I have been silent for too long.

"I think I do." I sigh, eyes on the ground, unable to look at her. I just stole a cookie from the cookie jar when mommy explicitly told me not to do that.

"Oh, really? Well, enlighten me."

"Have you come here to hear me say sorry, or something?" I rely on defense, as I always do. I raise my own voice, now looking at her with something that's close to a death-stare. I rely on defense, because I have a pretty good idea of what I did. What damage I caused. But facing it is a whole other reality.

"I am not the one you have to say sorry to." Her voice is calm again, she takes a deep breath. I know she came here for a serious conversation, not an heated argument.

"Tell me, Jade, is this really how you want to push all of us away?"

"I didn't mean to. I just... I just couldn't."

"I don't care that you never called, or visited. I honestly didn't even expect you to. I don't care if we never speak again after this, if that's what you want. But she does care. And the least you can do is give her an explanation. Because she deserves an explanation." The reason I didn't stay in touch with Cat is one I've said before; you don't cling to old friends forever. But her clear view on life is a reason too. A lot of things I haven't done in the past five years are things I would've done if I still saw Cat. She talks me out of the stupid and into the good. For every reason I can come up with not to do something, she has two why I should do it, and vice versa. And she, as usual, is so right. So I nod and we sit for probably half an hour, not saying a word.

* * *

><p>However, it takes me a good week to come up with the courage to actually go and ring the doorbell of her apartment. I nervously play with the hem of my shirt and ironically I feel like I'm waiting for my date to open the door. But then too soon I hear the door unlock and there's no going back.<p>

"Cat, I don..." Her voice dies as soon as she has the door completely open. I look up from the ground and for a moment we just stare at each other, that beautiful moment when brown meets blue. I don't think she expected to ever see me again and I don't know what to say. So I hold up the box I'm loosely holding in my right hand.

"I brought you donuts, because I know icecream doesn't solve all the world's problems." She briefly smiles and it gives me slight hope we can get past this. It gives me slight hope that one day, a hundred years from now, we'll laugh about that time I walked out on dinner. One day. But not today.

"I was hoping you would come for a walk with me. Maybe talk a bit." Her eyes fill with confusion, pushing away the hurt look that makes it impossible for me to look at her too long. I'm sure there are thousands of question in her mind right now; thousands of reasons to decline and go back inside. Just as I am about to simply hand her the donuts and leave, she speaks up. It's soft and barely there, it's broken and hurt.

"Let me get my coat." She turns around and I sigh in relief. Though I probably hate it the most, I get the chance to talk to her. Explain.

There's a strong tension between us as we walk to the park. It's my favorite place in Hollywood. I love to sit on the swings and watch people. Wonder what their story is, where they came from, where they're headed next. What shaped them, what breaks them. Wonder about other people's miseries instead of my own. I've done it since I was eleven.  
>Out of pure habit I walk towards the swings instead of the nearest park bench. She looks bewildered at first, but as I sit down on the left swing, staring ahead of me, she occupies the swing to my right. And for a moment we just sit there, donuts still in my hands, words only being spoken inside our minds.<p>

"I don't know what to say." Tori is the type of person to lay her hand on your arm and tell you it's okay. That you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I think for her, knowing that someone is willing to talk is enough. One day they will come to her and stop her from stopping them. It is a good technique; at least you're sure they really, _really_ want to talk.

"I don't know what to say, because there really aren't any words. I have wondered what I could possibly say, how I can explain why I did what I did." I stare ahead, I stare down, I stare left. I look everywhere, except at her. And I know she's looking at me. I can feel her eyes on me, trying to read me. Trying to read my mind.

"I don't even know why, you know." This is the part I hate about talking; that moment when you can't stop, because it feels too good to let it all out.

"I guess I'm just afraid, Tori." I look at her, as my eyes start to water. She is taken aback, surprised. The last and only time she saw me cry was because I wanted Beck back. How things have changed; how I have changed.

"I am afraid because I'm not who I was anymore." I don't think she understands, but I don't really need her to. Not now at least. I just need someone to listen, as selfish as that may be.

She is making everything so damn complicated.

"All I asked for was to be your friend." I can't help but sigh. However, she is right. This is about her and what I did. It's not about me and who I am. Yet, in a way, it is. Because who I am is the reason why she can't be my friend.

"All that I am asking for is to be your friend." Well, at least I know she still doesn't hate me. She still wants the same, damn thing. To be my friend. Some guy from this tv-show once said that sometimes you have to go with second best. In two weeks time I came to realize that I am so in love with Tori Vega, that having her as my friend is a mere second best.

"Please Jade, give me at least that." I look up now. There are so many emotions in those beautiful brown eyes. They give her plea a second meaning. That pleading look in her eyes... It either tells me that letting her in as my friend is the least thing I can do or it tells me that letting her in as my friend isn't enough to her, but the least thing she can get. Like a second best.

I must be seeing my own thoughts in her eyes, because there is no way she can feel the same way I feel. She is Tori and I am Jade. She is the sun, I am the moon. In my shadow, she can shine.

Still, for a brief moment I wonder off. To a place where she does feel the same for me and it makes me wonder. Wonder if she's asking herself if I feel the same way for her. It's a nice place to be, but too good to be true. So for now, until that moment when we laugh about me walking out on dinner, I'll take my second best. I'll take it and I'll value it. This time I won't let her go, like Jade West did five years ago. I nod.

"I think I could do that." I see the relief washing over her features, relaxing her entire body, letting a single tear fall from her right eye. I hand her a donut.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I feel like I should be disclaiming a little bit of song lyrics in here. To those who noticed, not counting the title, it is not mine. Though I don't think anyone noticed, and if someone did, then I love you! Also, the first reviewer who knows _what guy on what tv-show_ used the "second best" quote gets... something. Like, I don't know, a mention or a say in whatever is to come.  
>Anyways, even if you don't know the answer to either of above discussed issues, your review is still very much appreciated.<p> 


	6. Finally Falling

**A/N: **Thanks everyone for all the reviews, favs and alerts. It warms my heart to know you're still here. To those who read _In My Life_, hope you liked it. To those who reviewed that one! I will upload this, then send y'all a message, ;)  
>Now, this is not the best chapter this story has had or will have, but [Seeley] Booth once said that you [it] had to be bad in order to be good. Believe me guys, it will get better. I know, because I already wrote it. Enjoy!<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Finally Falling.<strong>

With all the chiz going on, the last two weeks or so, I totally forgot I had a movie to produce. I tend to forget about that, but usually it's alright, since all I do is put in the money and the idea's that'll make a movie popular. However, Walking Past is my movie, my project, my baby even. I swore to myself, when I put the first word on paper – which ironically was donut – that I would be part of this movie all the way. And that means I have to be there for every meeting, every rehearsal, every scene. With all the characters cast now, making a movie is a whole lot easier. Though there is one little thing I still need to take care of and today is the day for that.

As I exit the elevator on the 23rd floor, I can already hear the music coming from the boarding-room. I know the song, I remember the only time I heard it like it was yesterday. Hell, I remember why that song exists in the first place. But as I near the boarding-room, as I realize that the quality of the music sounds like it's coming from a phone, or was filmed with a camera years ago, I hear lyrics I wasn't expecting to hear.

"_... And I like hamburgers too._" Oh, he is so dead. I will find myself another music guy, but I will not let this slip.

"Andre Harris, I give you three seconds to close that laptop. One," He turns around, a grin on his face, one that doesn't even match Kent's.

"Two." He changed quite a lot. Smooth facial hair, trimmed in such a way, it could've been done by the mafia. Man, he could be part of the mafia with his white suit, black shirt, white tie and black shoes. He looks like a gangster, or a groom.

"Don't wait for three." And with his laughter filling the room, he closes the laptop. As he walks over to me, he spreads his arms and it amazes me how forgiving these people are. Not only Tori, him too. I was a bitch to him, on occasion, yet he spreads his arms inviting me into a hug I know I can't back away from. I hold him for a moment, until he pulls away, smiling.

"Jade West, look at you."

"Andre Harris, loo..." His eyes open wider than his grandma's ever were, his mouth forms a smiling 'o' and with a glistening in his dark, brown orbs he walks past me.

"Muchacha!" He screams so loud, I'm sure the entire building heard. He picks up the half Latina in his arms, swirling around twice before he sets her down again and Tori and I exchange a glance that makes my heart stop, then pick up twice as fast. _This_ is the reason why we shouldn't be working together, why we shouldn't be friends; it's threatening my mental health. But only two days ago, when we sat on a pair of swings for three hours, I learned exactly why we should be friends. Because we talked about everything and nothing, deliberately avoiding our joined past, for now. We laughed about the most stupid things and for a while I felt sixteen again. A sensation I didn't even get to experience when I was actually sixteen.

* * *

><p>Andre is a busy man. I get that from all the stories he has to tell. He's been places, seen things, met people. His name is known by the most famous and accomplished music producers in the country and yet he keeps thanking me for giving him his chance to break through? I don't really understand why, but maybe I'll ask him later. Or maybe I'll fire him if he doesn't stop talking about that stupid food song. Kent can't get enough of it and apparently Andre loves to show people a video in which he's dressed as a pile of spaghetti. Though I don't think Kent noticed that specific part, all he sees is me in that hamburger.<p>

"Wait, is Beck a hotdog?" Oh, and Beck in a hotdog. Tori nods, laughing as the video is played _again _– this is the ninth time! – and Beck's 'No!' fills the room.

"So Tori," Kent closes the laptop, killing the song, _finally_. "You forgot to mention you are an amazing singer." He sits up straight, his attitude and posture just screaming business, I simply roll my eyes as I lean further back in my chair, arms crossed.

"Oh, Jade didn't tell?" She briefly looks at me, I look at me nails. Business bores me. I'd rather sit in a chair and make a movie.

"Nope. She just said you knew each other."

"Okay." And silence fills the room that is usually filled with chatter and bickering – unless it's empty. I yawn.

"Kent, I think I am also going to direct Walking Past." I cross my arms again, looking at him seriously.

"I know." That's all? _I know._ Usually he comes with useless arguments like _'But we already hired a director, this is going to cost us a lot of money.' _ Arguments which I overrule, stating one simple fact: it is going to cost _me_ money.

"I just decided." I protest. Who's the boss here? Him or me? I should shrug and get another topic started.

"Last two times you wrote a movie, you also directed them. I didn't expect anything else this time." I smile. It's nice to see he knows me this well. At least someone knows what my next step will be. Maybe we should indulge in a game of chess someday.

"What're the names of the ones you wrote, Jade?" Andre leans his arms on the table, casually hanging over them.

"Oh, Under Pressure and Wish Me Well. Which is basically the movie version of Well Wishes." Both Tori and Andre gasp like fishes on dry land. Their eyes grow freakishly wide and Tori coughs while Andre mumbles something like '_I knew I recognized it...' _

"_You_ wrote and directed Under Pressure?" Tori is amazed, I seriously wonder why.

"Yup. No biggie." Seriously, it's no biggie. Seven Academy Awards and rated second as the most earning movie of all time. Between Avatar and Titanic. It could've done better, though. The writing was seriously off, I was just too lazy to change it. And four of the awards didn't even go to me, they went to the actors. They made the movie a success, I just got the ones for Best Screenplay, Best Directing and Best Score. Kent got Best Editing. We all won.

"No biggie? Under Pressure is like my favorite movie. Ever! And it got so much awards too!"

"And the score was pure genius!" Andre chimes in. Hmm, I have to admit, it's nice. A little ego-boost.

"You know, Jade also wrote the music." And Kent just had to ruin it. Now they are adoring me like I am God.

"But she doesn't like it. Apparently, and I quote, the writing was seriously off." Is he trying to get fired or something? And can these two just stop looking at me like I am the biggest superstar they ever met! It was one movie, James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino made thousands!

"How about we go and have Mr. Spaghetti here sign a contract?" I am sick of the gaping. And if they are going to gape, let them do it behind my back while I lead them to my office. I think I am going to give that place a name. Office just doesn't sound right. You know what, I am also going to rename the boarding-room. It should be something cool, though. Something Jade. I'll come up with something, some time.

* * *

><p>If I knew this day would turn out into a jam-session, with Kent as our audience, I wouldn't have gone. I am one of those people that doesn't want to go somewhere, then finally there ends up having a good time after all. And it feels absolutely great to sit on a chair – every once in a while stand on it – or jump around and sing songs I haven't sung in years. It feels good to collapse against either Tori or Andre when my stomach hurts from all the laughing. It feels good to have friends.<p>

"_Suddenly I can see what I didn't before.  
>And I don't care what they say anymore.<br>'Cause I'm falling, falling.  
>Finally falling." <em>

I will not comment on the absurdity of this song at exactly this time in my life. Andre loves to play it and Tori loves to sing it. And I kind of wanted the lead in that play, I kind of wanted to sing that song, so why not do it now when I get the chance.

I will not comment on the fact that my eyes are searching hers every time we break into chorus. Mainly because I don't really know why I do that. During the first chorus our eyes locked accidentally, but then I started looking at her, searching her eyes during the next chorus and she did the same.  
>I will not tell myself there's a twinkle in her eyes when I smile at her, even though I am sure it's there. I will not tell myself stories that aren't true, I have done that too much now. I need to get myself together and be a friend to her. I need to make sure I won't walk out the next time she gets too close.<p>

At the end of the day, almost twenty songs and Chinese take-out later, we decide it's time to go home. With all the contracts signed, we can start production on my third, very own, movie tomorrow. And that means getting up at five, to start at six. Long days are ahead of us and I would very much like to have one normal night of sleep before I indulge into the hectic world of Hollywood once again.

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><p><strong>Leave me that famous review! Tell me what you liked and didn't like, so I can improve. So I can be good.<strong>


	7. Best Of Me

**A/N: **Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, dogs and cats, I bring to you... *drum roll* CHAPTER 7!  
>And once again, here I am – oh, the joys of intended pun – thanking you for all the reviews, alerts and favorites I got to witness. I can't get enough.<br>I hope this one is better than the previous one, and hang on, the good stuff is coming your way in two more chapters. :D (Followed by a little bit of bad stuff...) Okay, scratch that, forget you read that, I never said it.

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><p><strong>Best Of Me.<strong>

Well. I didn't get any sleep. _Again!_ And this time it wasn't even all Tori's fault – yes, I blame the girl for my insomnia. But no, this time I lay awake coming up with names for my office and the boarding-room. I did end up finding two names that I am totally happy with. From now on my office will be called the Black Box – that does mean I am going to have to rename studio 1 back to Studio 1 – and the boarding-room shall be named The Dome. I don't know why, it just sounds cool. And dark.

Anyway, I hope two coffee at six can keep me going 'till nine, when I can get some more again. But I doubt it, because I am already falling asleep in my directors chair and we haven't even started filming yet. Tori and Michael, the male lead, are still in make-up and Andre is in the recording studio reading the script to get the right feeling for the songs. Kent isn't here. But he won't be, until the last two weeks of filming. Right now, it's just me, some nerd behind a camera and three people getting the set ready for the first shot. Or maybe it's just me and some nerd, I don't know because my eyes are closed and it won't be long until I'll be drooling on the hand that's keeping my head up.

"I don't think that is the image a director is supposed to set out." I feel a hand slightly squeezing my shoulder and I turn my head, looking up sleepily. Kind, brown eyes smile at me and her left hand is extended, offering me a cup of coffee.

"Want it?" She asks and I greedily take it from her. I don't understand how she can look as awake as she does, _without_ finishing her coffee.

"What is this? Hazelnut?" I questioningly look at the cup then at her.

"I don't know, I just found it in the trash can." _Trash can?_ Is she serious, she's feeding me garbage coffee? Oh wait. Garbage coffee. I nod knowingly and she smiles.

"Do you have photographic memory or something? Remembering all these little, insignificant things." She shrugs.

"I guess they are significant to me." And then she's called away. It all happens so fast, I am not even sure she said what I think she said. I am seriously starting to think my mind keeps making her say things she isn't actually saying. But maybe I am just overreacting, coming up with hidden meanings behind her words, reading between lines that aren't even there. It's like you're in a crowd and at first you don't notice the lonely girl in the corner because she is surrounded by so many people, but then someone points her out and you can't go back to not noticing.

* * *

><p>Imagine this: five years after graduation, you realize you are in love with the girl you hated in high school and you cast her as the lead in your new movie. As the director, you ought to be on set – hell, this movie wouldn't be made without you there. So there you are, watching the girl you love being all touchy-feely with some guy you can't even remember casting. She's smiling all cute at him and I know it's her job to do that, I mean, I wrote it myself! But still, I can't help but... <em>envy <em>the guy. I guess I want her to look at me like that. _She probably would have, hadn't you run like a scared baby. _Ah, beautiful reality knocking me on the head. Thank you, brain, for pointing that out. Again. But I'm probably right. Though I brought her donuts, and we're fine now. We're even friends. I guess. I really shouldn't be thinking complicated thoughts at 6:30 in the morning, while I should be focusing on the scene in front of me. Poor kids, they're gonna have to do it all again, because I wasn't paying attention.

"And cut." Okay, that is the third time and I still didn't see them play the scene. I should really stop thinking at all. Or make them do it again, but the looks on their faces tell me they won't appreciate that very much. I'll just watch it back and then decide later on if we should film it again.

"Take five, everyone. We'll do the next scene in a bit. Tommy, get Times Square out." Until I am fully awake and aware and my mind is off Tori – well, for as far as that's possible with her in the same room – I'll just go with the individual scenes. One of my favorite Katherine scenes is the one where she watches her Times Square painting, only she can't remember ever painting it and she breaks down in the middle of her art gallery. There's just something about the image of a strong woman breaking down in this big, white room – feeling a stranger in an environment she created to flee from the world, in which she, ironically, felt a stranger.

"Oh, is this the scene where Katherine breaks down?" Suddenly Tori is right besides me, looking at the set being set up, and she startles me, so all I manage to get out is a simple nod. Her face lights up anyway.

"Oh my god, I absolutely love that scene. It's probably my favorite. I've read it over and over again." I look at her, mouth open. Get outta here!

"Really! There's just something about the whole image of it." She defends her point and I nod vigorously.

"It's one of my favorites, too."

"I figured. It was written differently from the rest. More detailed." Bewildered, I look down at the script in my lap. Do I really write differently when I like a scene more than usual? She laughs a little as she sees me reading the scene again and moves to stand behind me, reading over my shoulder.

"You are right." I quietly say, amazed. She noticed that? No one ever noticed that. Maybe I have never done it before. Oh great, now I am going to have to go through everything I ever wrote. And before I can sarcastically thank her for that, she's called away again. And I am left doing nothing.

Somewhere between the moment she left and now, my brain started thinking complicated things again and for the life of me I can't remember what I was thinking. It's like you want to say something and then when you get the chance to say it, it's gone. Probably because I didn't expect Tori to look so stunning in that blue dress. It reminds me of that time she held a prom at Hollywood Arts. It's a similar dress, but different. I can't really explain, I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I am thinking or supposed to think. I know that suddenly I feel scared. Scared of what I feel, for her. I have never felt like this before, so it can't be love. Because I loved Beck, right? I let him know me for me, I loved him. But I never felt like this. When he'd dress up, make an effort; I never felt like this. The skipping of my heartbeats, my breath caught in my throat, that feeling in my stomach as if something's there, something that is not supposed be there, something that feels so beautiful and pure. And then jealousy when Michael walks up to her and tells her she is beautiful, to which she replies with a smile and a hug.

"You look like you just saw a ghost." And then she's standing in front of me again, laughing. And she looks like an angel.

"More like an angel." It leaves me before I can register and I feel like high-fiving myself. In the face. And there's no escape this time. No one calling her back, no denying I said it. And I know she heard me. It's up to her now whether she acts on it or shrugs it off.

At first she looks confused, unsure if I said it or not, if she's imagining things. She blinks twice then smiles briefly.

"Thank you." And then she turns around, walking towards the set. I relax back in my chair, some sort of relief washing over me. She makes me nervous, itchy, sweaty. I never know what to say, what to do. There's a line, but I don't know exactly where. There are boundaries, lengths I shouldn't go. I know that, but why do I want to go there, cross them? Why do I have the urge to just briefly touch her? A handshake, a hug. Why does her smile steal my breath? Why have I mistaken this feeling, this _love_, for hate, all these years ago? I want to go back, to that day when I poured coffee all over her, but I'm not sure if I wouldn't do the same. All those pranks I pulled on her, the things I called her. It enraged me to see that she could leave it behind her with the setting of the sun. It enraged me that she gave me chance after chance, opportunity after opportunity, smile after smile. Almost as if she didn't care, as if I didn't bother her. Yet it satisfied me too, to see that she stood up to me, countered me. She didn't roll her eyes or slump down in defeat. She'd come up with her own plan and she'd win, time after time. So I'd continue – I had to win, if at least once.

I guess she had already stolen my heart then and I just had to win it back. But that was then. She can keep it, I just have to win hers.

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><p>I never thought I would see the day where I was last to leave work. Then again, I never thought I'd be owning a huge production company at 23. Yet here I am, finishing paper work and contracts, setting up deals, reading through poor scripts by pathetic writers that want a chance. Blegh.<p>

"Jade?" I look up, the softest of voices catching my attention.

"I'm going home, good night." She smiles at me then walks away.

"'Night, Vega." Turning her head to face me, she chuckles, almost walking into a door, which makes me shake my head and chuckle in return. Some things never change. Like clumsy Tori Vega. I look down at the papers on my desk again, when ten minutes later rapid clicking is catching my attention. I shoot my head up, the sound foreign to me. Then Tori runs by in a flash, yelling in the process.

"Forgot something!" And I chuckle again. Again I look down at the papers when two minutes later a soft tapping on my door catches my attention. And I am getting super annoyed now. Old Jade would've been screaming already, I'm on the verge.

"Never thought I'd see you chuckle." Oh, that voice. It sends shivers down my spine, especially when I don't expect it.

"Never thought I'd see you all serious again." I roll my chair back and make my way to hug Cat. She's smiling and I missed that. I haven't seen that in a long time.

"I know you don't want to see that often."

"You got that right!" We laugh for a minute, until Tori returns and Cat becomes her bubbly self again. That is really how she is, she can't help it. And people love her for it, but sometimes people like me need some stability – or a hard hand to bring them back to reality – and then she'll be that stability.

"Are you ready?" Tori asks Cat, who replies with a vigorous nod.

"Oeh! Maybe Jade can come too!" Cat's face lights up, she turns to me practically jumping up and down. Serious Cat has the power to scare me, but this is pretty scary too.

"Come where?" I ask suspiciously.

"Cat and I are having a movie-night at my place. Wanna come?"

"On a weekday? You have to work tomorrow, Vega. _I_ have to work tomorrow."

"Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun! Besides, we won't make it too late." I shake my head. I'm not going. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning as it is, going in at 4 A.M. – because that's how long Cat's movie-nights take – won't help things.

"Please Jade?" Cat's looking at me with these puppy dog eyes, under lip pressed out a little. Nope, still not going.

"Please?" Now Tori's doing the same. And she's always been good at that. Damn, I even hugged her once because she looked like that.

"Fine!" I throw my arms up in surrender; both Tori and Cat scream a 'yay.'

"But I won't stay too long, I want to go to bed at a reasonable time."

"You can stay at my place. Cat's staying too."

"I'm still going to bed early." And that's how two grown-up women talked another grown-up woman into a movie-night sleep-over. On a weekday!


	8. Empty Space

**A/N:** OMG, I know it's been like... a millennium since I updated. And I haven't even seen Lizzie in Big Time Rush. I am the baddest crusher ever.  
>Anyway... Here's chapter 8 and yes! It is Tori POV. Do you see the cycle too?<p>

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><p><strong>Empty Space<strong>

**Tori POV**

I am so glad Cat is here, sitting between me and Jade. Though I love being around Jade, I don't think I could handle a sleep-over at my house with just her and me. Though I don't think we'd have a sleep-over if it wasn't for Cat. She's always planning these things on the most randomest of times and then she's the first to fall asleep. After only one movie – usually she wakes up half an hour later to watch another movie and the cycle starts again. Unless she's on an overdose of sugar. Which she kind of is right now, because Jade has the habit of shoving food in her mouth when she talks too much. It's pretty creepy and gross. I can't believe I once did that to Jade.

"Oeh, Tori, there's that the woman you like so much!" Cat is screaming in my ear, pointing at the television.

"Yes, Cat, I know. That's why we're watching this movie."

"You know you're supposed to watch a movie because of the storyline, not the actors, Vega." I have to say I really like this Jade. A combination of then and now. Kindness suits her.

"But Tori doesn't like the actors, she likes the actresses." Cat's talking to Jade and even though I told her already, I am still quite embarrassed. But seriously Cat, way to go. I sink down a little further on the couch.

"What'ya blushing for, Vega?" Jade's smile is evident in her voice.

"You got a little crush on Angie Harmon right there?" She's raising her eyebrow and I know she's just playing with me, but I can feel my cheeks getting red. Geez, I am twenty-three years old! Stop blushing, Vega! I look at Cat who's looking at me with expecting eyes. What? Is she seriously expecting an explanation? She's the one that makes me buy every movie Angie Harmon is in, because 'that's the pretty woman, right?'

"Well, I wouldn't necessarily say it's a crush, but... I mean, just look at her! She's 40 here! Have you ever seen a woman that beautiful at 40? Or any age for that matter?" Jade's looking at the screen now, which Cat paused at some point I can't remember. Her lips purse a little and she nods, agreeing with me. We stare at the screen for a while, then Jade rips the remote-control from Cat and presses 'play' again. Lucky for me I don't hear either of them for the remainder of the movie, though from the corner of my eye I see Jade glancing at me every once in a while. I pretend I don't notice, keeping my eyes fixed on the screen, but I wonder what she's thinking. We haven't been completely alone since that day in the park, we haven't really talked after that.

Cat lasted two and a half movies this time, it's 12:30 and I am suppressing some drowsiness myself. Apparently so is Jade, because she pauses the movie and stretches her arms above her head, yawning.

"Soooo," she says through the yawn, "Angie Harmon, huh? That your type?"

"What?" I am taken a little aback. I didn't really see that one coming. Angie Harmon was two and a half movie ago.

"If I am going to be your friend, I need to know that kind of stuff." I cock my head.

"Need to know?" I question.

"Yeah, so I can tease you with it." I laugh softly, not wanting to wake Cat and honestly too tired to fully laugh.

"But if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too." She shrugs her shoulders.

"No, it's okay. I want to talk about it." She nods her head and then we're silent again. It's a comfortable silence, no tension, it's not as if she's here unwanted. She even seemed to enjoy herself.

I guess I wandered off, because she's looking at me expectantly now. I shrug.

"I don't think I really have a type. I mean, I like you or I don't."

"No specific traits you're looking for? Like hair color or something, or personality?" She changes her position on my couch, sitting Indian-style, facing me, her arm on the backrest, supporting her head. I mimic her, looking right into her eyes. Her gaze is intense, interested. She's making an effort, she's trying to get to know me. She's letting me in.

"Let me re-phrase: what attracted you in your last girlfriend?" I can see her think after she says that, probably trying to analyze how that sounds. It's exactly what I did in the beginning. I think I've tried a thousand different ways to say that one word when I first started dating a girl. It was weird at first, now it feels comfortable, normal.

"She was sweet, with an edge to it. A little bit witty I guess." I stared off into the distance, looking into the past, trying to form the image in my head. I smiled.

"She had an eyebrow-piercing, just like you. On the same side even."

"So you like semi-sweet, witty girls with piercings?" I smiled at her summary, though I was hiding a little bit of shock behind that smile. Semi-sweet and witty sounded an awful lot like Jade. Like Jade now.

Is that what I look for in a person, in a girl? Jade? Was my crush on her in highschool so bad that she had become my type? My standard? Did I purposely look for the things I never found in her? The Jade I wanted to have, the one I couldn't get. The Jade I dreamed of. Was that what I was looking for?

Doesn't that make the Jade sitting in front of me perfect? She's nice and sweet, witty and funny. She makes me laugh, she makes me nervous. She's beautiful and confusing, illogical and amazing.

She is supposed to be my friend. Just my friend.

"I think it's about time you go to bed." Before I realize she's standing behind me, lifting my arms up, helping me off the couch. I yawn as I stretch, then make my way to clean things up as Jade drapes a blanket over Cat on the couch.

"I'll help you with that tomorrow." She says, as she grabs the half-filled bowl of popcorn from my hands and sets it down again. I can't help but stare for a second – I haven't been able to help myself for days.

"Yeah... I'll grab you something to wear. The guestroom is over there." She caught my attention by saying something, but I have absolutely no idea what it was. Probably my answer was of the right subject, because she simply nods and heads in the implicated direction. I quickly walk to my bedroom to grab her a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. When I get to the guestroom, she's already laying on the bed. Her feet dangling from the edge, her arms thrown up above her: she's fully clothed, I chuckle.

"I am so comfortable. I'm seriously considering falling asleep like this."

"I don't think it would do much good to your back." She hums and sits up, accepting the clothing. I wish her goodnight, then turn around to leave again.

"Hey, Vega," I turn back around, "we have some important scenes tomorrow, so I at least expect you to listen to me." I can feel a blush creep up on my cheeks – again. Apparently my answers haven't been of the right subject. She smiles.

"Goodnight, Tori."

"Goodnight." I mumble back before I awkwardly leave.

**Jade POV**

I don't know if it was the softness of an unfamiliar bed or the knowing that she was sleeping in the room next to mine, but for the first time in weeks I really slept. I had fallen asleep almost instantly and I woke up almost three minutes ago completely rested and satisfied. My eyes are still closed, my limbs still a little numb and my mind still a little slow. There's a knock at my door and hum permission to enter, as I am still too tired to speak. I crack my eyes open just in time to see Tori's head pop in the room, her body hiding behind the door.

"Did I wake you?" Her voice is small, tired. I shake my head.

"Sunlight beat you to it. If you'd come three minutes earlier the honor would be all yours." I'm mumbling and I already know what response will be if she asks me to say that again, but surprisingly enough she heard me. Smiling, she enters the room, nervously playing with her hands, her bare feet massaging each other in turn.

"Mind if I join you?" I scoot to the right as I pull back the cover and pat the now empty space beside me. She makes her way to the bed and lays down against the pillow as I pull the sheets back over her. And then for a moment we just lay there; pressed against each other in a small bed, because neither of us feels like falling out. I close my eyes again, sighing. I should just tell her how my arm feels all tingly because hers is pressed against it, I should just tell her how my fingers are itching, wanting to grab hers. I should just tell her.

"Is Cat already awake?" And that has absolutely nothing to do with what I initially wanted to say to her, but I don't have the guts to spill the beans. I'm not the type of person to walk up to someone and tell them how I feel. I need an argument, one in which I'm being accused of God knows what, so I can say that's all not true with five simple words: I'm in love with you.

"No. And she won't be for another three hours. It's only 6 A.M."

"Ah." The silence returns again and it's eerily comfortable. It's easy, light. Not consuming or thick, like our silences used to be. It's the type of silence lovers share. Before they turn to smile at each other and softly graze their lips together. She turns her head to smile at me; it takes my breath away. It makes me want to kiss her, hold her. She softly pats my arm before she moves the cover back again and leaves the bed.

"I am going to make breakfast, you can shower if you want." And with that she's gone, leaving an empty space in the bed and my imagination.

Humming softly, she makes her way through the kitchen and as I come closer the scent of baked eggs hits my nostrils. I sit down on one of the chairs at her dining-table, watching her move around the small kitchen. I look around the house, something I didn't really do yesterday. It's not big, but it's enough for one person. There's a bookcase by the window, one shell filled with pictures and from a distance I notice our graduation picture. It's in a golden frame, surrounded by pictures of her family and friends. There's a picture of us. Beck took it that excruciatingly hot day at the beach.

_"No, Vega, I won't sing a song with you." She uses her puppy dog eyes like always when she wants something._

_"C'mon Jade, just one song. You can pick it."_

_"No." She slumps her shoulders in defeat, hangs her head and Beck's looking at me. I mouth a 'What?' and he turns around smirking._

_"Fine. But I'll only sing the chorus with you." She shoots her head up, joy filling her eyes._

_"What song, what song?" And suddenly she's bouncing up and down in a Cat-like manner. It's creeping me out._

_"You pick one, but only if you stop bouncing." Then she stands straight up like a statue and the stupidity of it makes me smile. And that makes her smile and that makes Beck take a picture._

I don't remember her standing so close to me and I don't remember what song we sang. I believe it was something like-

Bread shoots from the toaster with a ping and I shoot from my chair with a bang as my knee hits the table and I'm cursing under my breath.

"Jade! You scared the chiz out of me." Tori's holding her hand above her heart, breathing rapidly.

"Yeah, and your toaster scared the chiz out of me." Behind us, Cat shifts on the couch mumbling. We both take it in as we hold our breaths, hoping we didn't wake her. And as soon as Cat's form relaxes again, Tori and I break out into a fit of laughter, followed by Tori shushing me and herself.

We eat breakfast talking about nothing, then leave a note for Cat before I offer to drive her to work.

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><p><strong>AN2: **Okay, so I may have a crush on Angie Harmon too. Dude, I am crushing my life away, seriously. I have more crushes than friends... which is quickly accomplished.


	9. Everything

**A/N: ** Blackguard: Oh, Blackguard, you are so delightfully filled with insight and rage.

So, this is kind of a quick update. Truthfully, I just wanted to get this one out of the way – though you'll love it, I hope – because the next chapter is my favorite! It's so full of everything I'd love to read. I'll give you a little preview at the end, first read this. And remember, enjoy!

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><p><strong>Everything.<strong>

I know I made her promise to listen to me when I talk, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to listen to her. Right? I mean, Mike is listening to her and it's not like I'm not listening on purpose. I actually have some really important stuff on my mind. I have a reason not to listen. She didn't walk in on the girl she used to hate, barely a month ago, to find she's in love. It wasn't even that bad at first, you know, when I didn't see her every day. Then I could easily keep my mind, and eyes, off of her, but now... I don't even want to look anywhere else.

Unless at moments like these, when Mike is all touchy-feely. Holding her hands, admiring her nails – he must be gay. He probably doesn't know it yet, that's why he's flirting with her. So he also doesn't know it about her. Come to think of it, no one here knows about her. Except for me, and probably Andre. Talk about the devil. There's Mr. Spaghetti coming right now, holding his finger over his lips, signaling to me I can't betray him; I randomly return my gaze to my nails. He stops behind Tori and places his hands over her eyes, a smile spreading over her face.

"Guess who?" She covers his hands with hers, says his name, then stands up to hug him.  
>We're sitting in the middle of the set, Michael and Tori's chairs next to each other, mine facing them and as Tori pulls away from the hug she looks around to find Andre a place to sit. He sits down on Tori's chair, earning a small laugh from her before she shrugs and casually decides to, sideways, take place in my lap.<p>

"Oh-kay?" I remove my hands from my lap and hold them up, looking at her questioningly. I am completely taken aback. If this chair lacked a backrest, I would've fallen over from shock. She turns around to look at me.

"What?" Faked innocence masks her face and it's unbelievable how this woman can be such a great actress in front of a camera, but fails to convince in random situations. She's a great actress; an horrible liar.

"Umm..." I open my hands towards her, eyebrows raised in question.

"Friends sit in each other's laps." She shrugs and faces Andre, ready to start conversation. However, I am not finished yet.

"So you randomly sit in Cat's lap all the time?"

"All the time."

"All the time." Andre backs her up with a roll of his eyes. Which makes her laugh and I decide to drop the subject. I don't have any other question to confront her with anyway. So I lower my hands again, my left arm resting on the armrest, hand dangling of it; my right arm resting on the armrest, hand gently placed on her knee. I swear I feel her shudder for a millisecond, but it's so short, it probably was my imagination again.

"So, what are you doing here? Finished your songs?" Tori has started her conversation with Andre, completely abandoning whatever she was talking about with Michael.

"I have two finished as we speak," that causes me to look up and I see him smiling at me, I nod. Guess we're going to hear some music soon, can't wait.

"But I'm actually here because I saw that you're gonna have some action today, Tori." He practically purrs out the 'action', which makes me roll my eyes as I snort and then laugh even more as I see a blush creeping up Tori's cheeks. I poke her side with my right hand.

"What? You're not telling me you're nervous, right?" She doesn't answer. "Right?" She takes hold of my hand with both her hands, then speaks her response.

"I am not nervous, I just don't like audiences."

"You didn't seem to mind an audience seven years ago when you kissed Beck."

"That was different." She replies in the way she always said '_I don't talk like that._' whenever I would imitate her.

"Different how?" Andre and I ask simultaneously.

"Well..." I know she's getting nervous now. "I didn't know back then." Andre and I speak an almost inaudible '_oh_', then leave the subject be. _Wow, we're changing subject a lot._

"Know what?" Mike speaks up for the first time since Andre arrived and immediately Tori tenses up. She looks at Mike, stuttering the beginning of her sentence.

"Well... I, you see, I'm-" Then the alarm on my watch goes off and I know I'm the only one who heard Tori's relieved sigh as she is literally saved by the bell. I click the alarm off, pat Tori's knee and then stand up after her, clapping my hands.

"Lunch is over, guys. Time for some _action_!" Andre and I laugh as we leave, Tori looks like she is having a meeting with Death and Michael stays behind a little longer, having obviously no idea what the hell we were talking about.

* * *

><p>As Tori and Mike are getting ready in make-up, Andre and I sit down about then feet away from the set. I'm casually going through the script again, before I notice Andre skeptically looking at me.<p>

"What!" I have always respected Andre, not as much as I respected Beck, but more than Cat, no not more, as much as Cat. He's a serious guy – always has been, especially about his music – he's someone you can turn to with problems. I never did, but I know Tori did. I know he was her best friend, maybe still is. It amazed me that he never was in love with her; he always stood up for her, she knew everything about him first and she was always the one to sing songs with him. Except that one time, when she had to pass a class and he asked me. I respected him much more after that – though I hate tuna fish filet.

"You and Tori seem to have gotten close." It's not really a question nor an accusation. More like a statement, one he wants explained.

"Yeah. I brought her donuts, we're friends now."

"Because you brought her donuts?" He laughs.

"No, Sherlock. We had a little... situation, then I brought her donuts and now we're trying to work this friendship thing out."

"Friendship." He repeats, once again skeptically, as he turns away from me.

"What's that supposed to mean?" But before he can respond, the assistant director is asking me if I'm ready and Tori and Michael come on set. Michael is wearing a tuxedo – because they just left Katherine's exposition that required fancy clothing – and every straight girl would be drooling over him by now, because let's face it, he is not ugly. He is quiet handsome. But Tori is wearing a gorgeous black and white dress that simply fits her perfectly. It's not long, but not too short either; just above her knees. Her pinned-up hair makes her jaw come out beautifully and the make-up that almost isn't there – because she and I both hate overly done make-up – gives her face an angelic glow. She is simply gorgeous, absolutely breathtaking.

I quickly close my mouth as I realize it's hanging open, and I blink as I realize I'm staring. This is going to be a long day.

I sigh. This is even more horrible than watching some stupid reality-show about a bunch of people getting drunk and laid. Why did we cast this guy again? Don't get me wrong, I like Michael, it's just...

"I want to see passion. I want to feel it, right here. Ten feet away from you. Now do it again."

"Katherine, you can't leave. Not after all we've been through." He takes a step closer, slowly raising his right hand, she closes her eyes in anticipation and... I almost fall asleep. It's horrible to see from a distance, imagine being in a theater watching a close up.

"Passion, Mike! You need to show her that you love her, that _she_ loves _you_. Show her what you were like together, show her what you could be like together." Instinctively I rise from my chair, throwing my arms around, apparently indicating 'together' with them. Mike looks horrified, as if I am going to hit him. Tori is taking it all in, like I'm yelling at her and this is her opportunity to learn.  
>Instinctively I rise from my chair to explain his job to Mike, involuntarily I make my way to Tori.<p>

Our faces less than an inch apart, my hand slowly coming to rest on her cheek. We stare for less than a second, but it feels like eternity. Beautiful eternity.

That collision of brown and blue I have called beautiful before. But this time it's different. It's beautiful, and it's amazing. It's exquisite, pure and raw. It's everything, yet it's nothing.

_Show her what you could be like together. _

And before I realize it, our lips meet in a soft caress. She gasps and I can feel her right hand twitch against mine before she firmly takes hold of it. Somewhere far away I hear a voice tell me to pull away, to stop, but I ignore it. Soft, tender lips slowly moving against mine take away every coherent thought I have. Long, tanned fingers gently pinching my hand send sparks through my entire body, like little caterpillars shooting to my stomach to turn into beautiful butterflies when they arrive there.  
>Soft, tender lips slowly moving against mine and it's pure bliss. I allow myself another second to revel in it, before I pull away. My eyes still briefly closed, I let my hand slide from her cheek and face Mike.<p>

"Passion." And with that I turn around, walking away.

"Take the rest of the day off. Watch some romantic movies, Mike. Fall in love." I say on my way to the door. As if it's timed, I speak my final word at the exit. Feeling every pair of eyes in the room watching me, I let the door close. My words and actions lingering in the room.

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><p><strong>AN:** When I say 'a little preview' I mean a little preview! Title for the next chapter will be... *drum roll* ... _**Kiss Me**** Goodbye****.**_  
>Naah, that doesn't sound good. That's because it isn't! Love isn't good, it's mean and bad and fake...<p>

Ehm... Sorry, I am just a little... well, lonely, so I'll just go sit in a corner and pout, you go review and have beautiful, true love!


	10. Kiss Me Goodbye

**A/N: **Wow, thanks for all the reviews and alerts. I'm glad some people choked on samwiches, I'm glad I am not the only one being lonely, I agree on Jade being a boss! Hells yeah. And OMG! My first 12 Blackguard points! Gotta collect 'em all! Anyway, I gave you the title for this chapter, so I am sure there are plenty of people who created their own plots, let's see if I live up to your expectations!

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><p><strong>Kiss Me Goodbye. <strong>

There's two things I could have done. One, stay in my office and wait for Tori to leave, so I could still give her that ride home I promised I'd give her. Two, go home with the speed of light to avoid confrontation and possibly buy donuts on my way over. Of course, needless to say, I did the second. Minus the donuts, I haven't bought those. Yet. But really, before you start, what would you have done? Okay, don't answer that. I know I shouldn't have kissed her. But really, then again, what would you have done? That dress, that hair, that face, those eyes, those lips. Oh, those lips. Seriously, you can't tell me you wouldn't have kissed her. Those eyes were just-

Wait. Am I talking to myself in third person? I am going absolutely insane. If I take a left here I can check myself into the hospital between now and ten minutes. _Okay, Jade, calm down. You're over reacting. Take a deep breath._ Sometimes I listen to myself, which is always the right thing to do. Because I am always right. Like that time I told myself not to kiss her, but what did I do? Yup, I kissed her! And strangely I regret nothing. Except maybe that I threw away every chance on a friendship Tori and I had. But that wasn't going to work anyway; sooner or later I still would've kissed her. But can you blame me?

And then before I know it, I turn left – not towards the hospital – and I enter the underground garage of my apartment building. Slowly I make my way to the elevator, pressing the button for the seventh floor as I step in and while enjoying - not! - the lousy and way too cliché elevator music, I wonder what Andre's thinking, what Michael's thinking, but mostly what Tori's thinking. I wonder if she brought her hands up to touch her still tingling lips like I did, I wonder if she closed her eyes for a brief second to feel it again, like I did. I wonder if she's mad, if she'll ever forgive me. I wonder why, in that brief second that I looked into her soul, she didn't stop me. She could've stopped me, but instead she grabbed my hand, kissed me back.

I wonder how long I've been standing in front of my door, because I don't remember getting off the elevator, I don't remember walking the hall. I shrug it all off for a moment, opening the door and trying to think about other stuff. About random, irrelevant stuff. Like, I don't know, guitars? Piano's? Tori had a piano, I wonder what happened to that. _Seriously, Jade?_

This is simply pathetic, new tactics. Alcohol! Taking off my jacket, I walk into my kitchen, dropping the jacket on a chair. From one cupboard I grab a glass, from the other I grab the whiskey. Ever since my 21st birthday, Kent buys me a bottle of whiskey every year. I never drink it – I'm not the whiskey type – I usually give it back to him for his birthday along with a really good bottle of wine. He still hasn't figured out it's his own whiskey he's accepting. I fill a quarter of the glass and just as I'm about to bring it to my lips, there's a knock at my door. It's barely 2 P.M. and I'm not expecting anyone – because I'm supposed to be at work – so I truly wonder who it is. On my way to the door I take a small sip from the sweet liquor; it's okay, but my face still cringes a little as it burns down my throat. By the end of the night I'll like it, probably a little bit too much. I open the door and if it wouldn't have been for steel nerves, I would've dropped the glass.

"What? No donuts?" I ask as I turn around to let her in, she closes the door, following me. I have to admit, I didn't expect her to come here right away, barely ten minutes after me. She huffs as she grabs the glass from my hand and sets it on the kitchen counter.

"I am not the one who's supposed to bring donuts."

"Well, I don't have any. I didn't expect you showing up here just ten minutes after myself." I leave the glass on the counter as I make my way to sit on my couch.

"Is this how you deal with feelings? Drinking and shutting me out?" She bangs the glass on the counter as she says the former, she goes to stand in front of me, arms crossed, as she says the latter.

"Well, I can't do the drinking since I'm sure you'll keep taking my glass." Old Jade is starting to return, I can feel it. Sharp comments purely designed to cut through her, to leave her bleeding. She doesn't give me a choice. I haven't had any time to think this through, to explain everything.

"You are unbelievable! And to think I thought you had changed!"

"Well, you clearly thought wrong. Surprise, surprise." That is not true, I did change. I know it, she knows it. But it feels like I have two personalities, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and I can't help which one I am.  
>She shakes her head, probably in disbelief, as she walks around the couch, her back facing me now. I take a second before I stand up, looking at her. Her left hand is on her hip, her right massaging her temple, and all the while she shakes her head.<p>

"Did you come here to shake your head or did you actually want to say something?" She abruptly turns around, pointing an angry finger at me.

"You... You just... Argh, you just kissed me." That's it. That's all she says as she throws her hands up.

"You're stating the obvious, Vega. In case you forgot, I was there."

"And now you're acting as if it's nothing?" I can see the hurt in her eyes, I can see her heart breaking again. And again it's my fault, but this time I can't walk away and knowing her, she won't either. I don't even want to walk away, I am too shut off. I simply don't care at this point.

"That's because it _was_ nothing. I was just showing Mike how to do his job." She shakes her head again – she'll get a fracture if she keeps doing that – and a single tear is traveling down her cheek.

"Don't do this, Jade. Don't pretend you didn't feel it. The tingle in your lips," she's taking a step closer, "the butterflies in your stomach," another step, "don't pretend you didn't feel it." She's right in front me now, our noses almost touching. I can't help but look at her lips, just briefly, because then I swallow.

"I didn't." It was meant to be strong, invincible, instead it comes out as a broken whisper. She closes her eyes as she shakes her head once and then her lips are on mine again. A simple brush before she pulls back, her forehead resting against mine, her hands finding their way onto my cheeks.

"I know you did, Jade. I know you're not like this." She's whispering so softly, so pure. And then she kisses me again, harder this time, longer. And I respond, how could I not? She pulls away too soon again and I open my eyes to look at her. She smiles and I genuinely smile back; old Jade gone, killed with a simple kiss. Now my hands come to rest on her hips and she brings our lips together for the third time. Flames erupting in my entire body as she runs her tongue over my lip and I never thought she'd be the one to take the lead. But she is and I let her, I let her guide me. I let her lead. I let her win the battle our tongues are fighting. I let her explore. And then it is I who pulls away. Our foreheads once again resting against each other, my eyes still closed.

"I can't, Tori." I'm afraid to break whatever spell was cast upon us, so I whisper.

"I can't." She sighs. Just that, she doesn't speak, she doesn't pull away. She just sighs for now. And then she holds my head up, making me look at her. Whatever she is going to ask me, she will only accept the truth.

"Will you tell me? When you can?" After a while, I nod and she does too. She mouths an '_okay_ ', smiles briefly and then she's kissing me one last time before she turns around and leaves. And I touch my lips again, I close my eyes to feel it again. And I truly hope that one day I really, honestly can.

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><p><strong>AN: ** OMG! Tori did what now? That girl's got some balls... _Ovaries actually._ Oh, you're right, thanks. That girl's got some steel ovaries! And Jade is totally in De Nial. _You mean denial, she is not in a river in Egypt. _ What, are you a smart ass or something? Wanna fight?


	11. All Okay

**A/N: **I had this one finished like, I don't know, three centuries ago, and it was kind of okay then, but when I re-read it, I was like. What? No! This is all going too fast, we need angst, we need drama. So I went over it again, finished it, put it aside, then I died. Okay, not really, but my soul was no longer working properly due to school. Now that I am in the second week of my school break I have been able to revise myself and here I am, bearing gifts! Chapter elevun (!) of Catching Up To You! Before you ask, yes, I wrote elevun.  
>Also, and this is exciting. I started on a new story that I will not yet tell anything about, but I love it – mainly because well, it's about vampires.<p>

Anyway, enjoy!

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><p><strong>All Okay.<strong>

The last time I had a dream..., a really good one that makes sense, that you still remember the next morning, it's been years. I don't know why I don't dream, I probably do, I just can't remember in the morning. But this morning is different, in every sense of the word. I have never woken up feeling empty and sad. Okay, sad maybe, but for different reasons. The dream I had last night, combined with a visit yesterday afternoon, is why I'm sad and empty, maybe a bit guilty.

She's never invaded my subconscious like that. I have never dreamed of her before. I have thought about her at night – when do I not think of her? – right before I'd fall asleep, but never dreamed. It was nice though, it was beautiful, it was really too good to be true. She honestly is what I want; she is what I can get and that frightens me. Is she what I deserve? Can I give her all _she_ deserves? I'm not sure if I can hold onto her, even if I want to. I'm afraid I'll end up breaking her, _us_. I'm afraid that maybe she was right, maybe I didn't change. Even though she didn't mean it, even though it was just an argument thrown around in the heat of the moment. I'm so afraid she is right. Because it was so easy to insult her, to hurt her. Looking back, it hurts me too, but then... I simply didn't feel it. I'm afraid that one day I'll go too far, pushing her off the edge.

But on the other hand, by now I should know that nothing breaks her. Not even Jade West. She has always had the strength to stand up against me, turn the tables on me. She has always had the upper hand.

She has something on me and I don't even know what, but she has always won.

I am a little hesitant to go to work today. I just hate awkward situations and I know for one thing that today will be awkward, but I have brought it on myself, so I shouldn't complain. Just grow a pair, suck it up and make it through the day. First I need coffee.

I could've known. Every pair of eyes inside the building is on me; news travels fast. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel uncomfortable: I've been talked about behind my back plenty of times, I've grown a protective shield for that. Besides, it'll probably blow over in a couple of days. I hope.

I enter the elevator, just about tapping the button to close the doors when I hear a distant familiar voice calling out, asking me to hold the elevator. I do so without looking up and when I see someone hurry past me in the corner of my eye, I let go of the button, allowing the elevator to start its ascend.

"Thanks." She whispers as she leans against the elevator wall, breathing heavily from running across the hall. I look up, shock written allover my face. And I was so hopeful about avoiding her for the first few hours or so. I mutter a 'sure', not sure what to say. _Awkward_.

Neither of us says anything, both very aware of the tension hanging in the air. And some part of me wants to apologise right on the spot, but for what? For drinking? No, that's my own damn business, not hers. For yelling at her? Well, maybe, but I kind of already did that yesterday when I reduced my voice to a broken whisper. For kissing her? Absolutely not, first of all because she started and secondly because I'm so not sorry for that.

The elevator makes itself known as we reach our floor and we both start to leave at the same time; both realizing that, yes, we could fit through to the doors together, but then our arms would be touching and somehow I know neither of us would like that very much right now. So I stop my movements, motion for her to go first and she does, leaving the elevator, turning right. I walk out after her heading ahead but I can't help but look back and to my horror – surprise, relief? – seeing her looking at me over her shoulder. I quickly avert my gaze and speed up my pace as I walk to my office, frustrated beyond believe. I slam myself down in my chair, bang my head on the desk once, twice, three times and then recline against the way too comfortable backrest. I pinch the bridge of my nose and then I hear my office door close, I look up just as Kent is sitting down on the sofa.

"What did you do? Everyone's talking about you." He's looking amused and concerned. It surprises me he doesn't know yet.

"I may have kissed the lead in my movie yesterday." No need to lie or hide it from him, he'll found out before lunch anyway.

"That's all?" He's laughing now.

"I may have also fallen in love with her."

"Her? You mean Tori?" He is utterly surprised now, scratching his head, looking beyond himself.

"What? You thought I was talking about Michael?" Where did he get that idea from?

"Well, uh, yeah!" He says as if it's obvious. That would have been a whole lot easier and less awkward. There's a moment of silence and then Kent moves to sit in one of the chairs at my desk.

"So, you're in love with her?" I have never seen such a serious look on his face, he is looking me straight in the eyes and for some reason it feels oddly comforting talking about this with him. I nod my response.

"And she likes you too?"

"Well, yeah, I guess." He cocks his head to the side a tiny bit, trying to read me, I think. He's probably noticed the hesitation in my voice, because after this morning I honestly am not sure what she feels.

"Did she kiss you back?" I nod again.

"So what's the problem?" He brings his hands up in question and as he sits back in his chair he folds them across his chest.

"The problem is that she is Tori. We work together." Now it's my turn to sound obvious. _And because she seems to hate me!_ But I do not tell him that, he'll probably just tell me how that's all my own fault and how one little thing can make it all okay.

"For two and a half more months, then she is just your friend. Really, Jade, what's the problem?"

"That she... And I. We're just... Besides, I told her I can't." I sigh deeply at my lack of a proper response, I slam my back against the backrest of my chair – again – closing my eyes, groaning.

"Why can't you? What's holding you back?" I open my eyes to look at him again – he's still in the same position – and I ponder his question. I have asked myself that enough times already, even long before I kissed her, before I rejected her.

"It's because you're afraid, Jade." He's not accusing me of anything, he's not diminishing me, he's leaning forward looking at me with compassion.

"You're afraid of what people will think of you, what they will say. I have known you your entire life, I have seen you grow up, always in your father's shadow. I know how he was, Jade, and I know you wanted to make him proud. But he's not here anymore, he can't judge you anymore. You have to start living your life, the way you want to." That's a knock on the head from reality. I stare at him, wide eyed and open mouthed. He's right, though. He is so right.

"If this is what you want, to be with her, then that's what you should do. Don't throw away your happiness over a memory." With a thoughtful and friendly smile he rises from his chair, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I think about what he said, what my father would say. He and I never got along, I don't even really know why. I think he wanted me to go to college, graduate in something useful so I could take over the business. He never supported my choices, neither did my mother and I hated them for not having my back. I bet they hated me for always doing what they didn't want me to. Maybe I did some of the things I did on purpose, just to piss them off. But that doesn't mean I didn't want their approval, that doesn't mean I didn't want them to be proud of me. They would have kicked me out of the family had I shown up with Tori six years ago. They are what's holding me back. A stupid memory I don't even want to remember.

After lunch I reluctantly make my way to the studio on the 20th floor. Andre asked us – me, Tori and Michael; Kent has a meeting – to come down and listen to his two finished songs. I am glad the others will be there too, I'm not really sure what I'd say to Tori if we were alone. But when I open the door all I see is Andre and Tori sitting on a chair, going through some lyrics. I know I am the last one, I made sure to take my time. This is going to be more awkward than I want it to be.

"Where's everyone?" I ask as I sit down on the sofa behind Tori and Andre, they turn around to face me.

"Michael had to go home, there was an emergency. Didn't Kent tell you?" Tori is looking at me and I decide to meet her gaze. I have to look away to get myself to answer; her eyes seem to be screaming to me.

"No, he didn't. It must've slipped in." She nods, also looking away and Andre's looking between us. No one says a word and then he sighs, standing up. We look at him.

"I don't have to know what happened between you two yesterday afternoon when I dropped Tori off, but whatever it is, you're going to talk it out."

"But we already-" I begin to protest, he just holds up a finger.

"And when I come back, there are not going to be any awkward silences. Got it?" We both nod and then he leaves the room, leaving me and Tori to look after him. After about ten seconds we turn our heads to look at each other and for a moment we just stare.

"Jade." I'm sure there was going to be a whole sentence after that, but when I look at her, when I see her eyes shining with tears I can practically feel the lump she is trying to swallow. And then her sob steals her sentence and she looks down at her shoes in defeat. I sigh. We are like some freaking rollercoaster and though I normally like rollercoaster, I wish I never got on this one. I wish I had never fallen in love with her, hell, I wish I had never met her. But I did and there's nothing I can do to stop it, to stop myself. So as I rise from my chair, as I buy another ticket for another ride on this damned rollercoaster, I move toward her, hooking my finger under her chin. I keep it there as we lock eyes and I briefly smile.

"I don't know how, I don't know when, but it's going to be all okay."


End file.
